Full Steam Ahead

Full Steam Ahead.

After all, that's the only way I do anything. I make up my mind and there's noting that can stand in my way. Sometimes that's good.... but not always. I am lucky however that Chris accepts this, even when it means that we've BOTH got a weekend of honey dos to get done!

We've been working on putting the office back into the "office room" and turning the area I was using as my office back into a formal dinning room. Task accomplished! Though I will admit, the formal dinning area looks very bare! I've got to find some curtains for that window and a picture or two for the far wall.

My office is getting there. I have much less to do than when I started at least! Eventually there won't be such a mess... please excuse the huge blur, there was a little chihuahua nosing around while I was trying to take the panorama picture.

I also got the last canvas done and hung up in the nursery!

While stumbling across other adoption oriented sites tonight I came across a wonderful read.

To my many friends or readers who are in that purgatory — that hell — of waiting, I’m hoping to give you a little encouragement today. I know what it feels like. I know the constant ache of your heart, the struggle to be fully present for your family and friends when you feel like half your heart and half your brain (or more) is always wrapped up in something else. I remember all too well sneaking out of the bedroom in the middle of the night so I could secretly check my e-mail and see if there was any sort of paperwork update from the Congo, who was eight hours ahead. I remember bursting into tears whenever certain songs would come on the radio  (though I now love the song “Home”, I was convinced God was trying to torture me with its popularity and incessant radio time). I remember wanting to punch the people who said, “God has a plan.” I remember being torn between wanting to talk about my son all the time and dying for someone to ask me about him and wanting to hole up in the house so I could just stop answering the well-meaning “When will he be home?” questions. I remember feeling like I had nothing left to give anyone because I was so emotionally exhausted.Waiting Mama — this, too, shall pass. I know it doesn’t seem like it. It seems like you’ve been in this forever and maybe you have. Maybe you have been fighting for your child for years. Maybe you are on your third or fourth referral because the others have fallen through or because you’ve lost a child. It’s okay to be angry and upset that this takes so long. It shouldn’t have to. Children should be with their mamas and not in an orphanage and it is not part of “God’s plan” that your child is suffering hurt and pain while he waits for you. That’s part of the sinful, broken world we live in. You have a right to be outraged at the system that is keeping you apart. You have a right to your tears, to your void, to your heartache.

Just remember that you are not alone. Even though it may seem like you are out of control and you are the only one advocating for your child, God is fighting for you and for your child, too:

The Lord your God will fight for you; you need only to be still. (Exodus 14:14)

I know those words won’t suddenly make your wait joyous. I know they won’t necessarily take away the deep ache you have for your child. But I hope that they make you feel less alone. And I hope knowing that there are other mamas who have shared your same pain and longing and are now on the other side is somehow encouraging to you.

And I promise you this, waiting mama: that moment is so very worth the wait.

Thank you for your wonderful words above, Carly. Right now the second best thing in the world for my heart and knowing that all of these feelings that I'm having are normal and understood.

The first best thing is knowing that our baby is out there somewhere, even if he/she isn't even born yet!

Getting a grip.

*Note to self - make copies!!!

On another note, we have our home assessment scheduled! Home study is almost complete! Exciting and scary, soon we will know if we've passed or not. So far it looks like we'll pass, but I don't like to "count my chicks before they hatch".

All this waiting might be tough on us, but I cannot image what birth/first mommies are having to go through! I may have little freak outs - when you're waiting a day can seem to take years, but adoption is full of beauty and heartbreak, for all those involved. I can't share the excitement without sharing all the other emotions as well. 

Here's the project I'm currently working on for the nursery:

The Waiting.

I started off thinking that if I just pretended that she had already chosen a family then... if I got the call that she wants us to be that family I'd be very pleasantly surprised. As the week as progressed, yeah it's only day four - I guess I'm just a big baby, my phone has taken over my life. When it rings my heart drops into my stomach. Will the next ring be the call that tells us she's chosen a different family? Will we even get a call if she doesn't chose us!?! I'm tempted to turn my phone off. I think a voice-mail would be easier.... maybe. I shouldn't be so down about it, no news is good news, right? You would think so at least. However, every call that isn't THAT call, every text/message or call that is someone asking if we've heard anything yet is just another knife being plunged into my heart.

I'm not complaining. I understand it may seem like that. I'm just trying to sort through these feelings. It's worse than a roller-coaster. We are very, very lucky and extremely blessed to even be having a birth mother considering us at this point in the journey. VERY BLESSED. I know that and I understand it, but this "not knowing" isn't easy. Believe me, I never thought this process was going to be easy, but the way things - and by things I mean literally everything - has been falling into place up until now almost had me thinking that God was telling us that our baby is almost ready for us. 

The wait has started to consume me. I must stop this! I've had 13 years of waiting, but I have to remember that God wouldn't make me wait longer unless there was a lesson to learn in it. There's a reason why we're waiting. I'm not sure what that reason is, but I know that I just need to have faith. Now, if I can only make my emotions see that! Is it normal to be feeling like this? I sure hope so! Prayers please.